


Baby, I'll Drink That Poison Down

by QueenOfGlacia



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Bets & Wagers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-03-05 00:35:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13376379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenOfGlacia/pseuds/QueenOfGlacia
Summary: Or: Victor needs to learn not to make bets with Chris whilst drunk





	Baby, I'll Drink That Poison Down

**Author's Note:**

> It spawned from a post by crossroadswrites on tumblr, which said
> 
> "idk How but all i need right now is for victor nikiforov to have to pretend to be straight for some reason, like this can be a cops or spies au and he’s undercover, i don’t care, i just need him to pretend to really awkwardly and hilarious be straight like raymond holt from b99 like can you imagine victor nikiforov with a awkward expression just going “ah yes, as you, a fellow Straight Man™ knows, there’s nothing more intoxicating than the clear absence of a penis”"
> 
>  
> 
> Originally posted on tumblr under my username "queenofglacia" as a reply to the original post

It starts, as many things tend to do, with a bet that comes from drinking with Christophe. (It’s still rather new, this friendship and camaraderie between them, and Victor still needs to learn that Chris holds his liquor better than him.)  
  
“Victor, you’re like  _the_  gayest man I know,” Chris tells him, barely a hint of a slur in his voice. “Apart from me of course.” Victor raises his bottle to acknowledge the fact, downing another shot straight from it. It no longer burn on its way down, not like the first few sips.  
“So I propose a bet.” There’s a certain tone to Christophe’s voice that should leave Victor feeling worried, but he is too affected by the alcohol to notice it.   
“Wha’?”   
“Tomorrow, at the banquet, you’re going to try to convince everyone you’re straight as an arrow. Bonus points if you get a woman to hand you her room number or key.”  
  
To Victor’s mind, addled with alcohol and high from another gold medal, it sounds like something he can absolutely pull off.   
  
“Deal,” Victor replies, downing another shot and not asking what he’ll gain if he wins, or what Chris will demand of him if he doesn’t.  _It’s really not that hard_ , he thinks to himself.  _I flirt with the camera and crowd all the time! No way Chris will win this!_  
  
***  
  
_Chris is **so** going to win this,_  Victor thinks the next evening, facing the crowd of trainers and figure skaters.  
  
It’s not really until then that it dawns on him just how gay he is. Looking at the women, he can guess (based on comments from other guys) who are conventionally attractive, and who most men wouldn’t even look at twice.   
  
But to Victor they’re all the same. Doesn’t matter if they’re curvy, thin or plus sized, tall or short or average. He doesn’t give a damn about their hair length, unlike some men he overhears complain about how some have too short hair. All Victor can appreciate is how well they’re dressed, the way their hair is styled and that they’re not wearing makeup that’s over the top for this kind of event - but that’s only because he knows quite a bit about that himself, having used his long hair and skating outfits to blur the (strict) lines that separate conventional looks for men and women.  
  
There is no way he’ll be able to pretend to be interested in any of them for anything other than aesthetics and inspirations for new outfits and looks, but a bet is a bet, and Christophe is not one to back down or let Victor off easy.  
  
So he takes a deep breath, grabs two glasses of champagne and walks over to a woman with a black pixie-cut who stands alone on the sideline.   
  
“I like your hair,” he says, offering her one of the glasses in exchange for her own empty one. That, at least, isn’t a lie. She accepts both the glass and compliment, but looks at him dubiously.   
“I like yours too,” she says in return. My fiance is trying to grow out her own again. What products do you use?”  
  
Of course Victor had to go straight (no pun intended) to the lesbian in this room. He tells her about his regime, forgetting for a moment all about the act he is supposed to put up, until Christophe taps him on the shoulder.  
  
“You haven’t forgotten, Vitya?”  
“She’s engaged to a woman, Chris. I wouldn’t have had a chance with her either way.”  
  
Chris laughs wholeheartedly at that.  
  
“In that case, leave it up to me to find you a victim for the night.” He points to a group standing a bit to the side of the main crowd. “That woman there? That’s your target. Now go on!”  
  
Before Victor can react, Chris shows him in the direction of the trio. Just as he is about to reach them, she breaks away to to get more to drink, and so Victor decides to go for it. The fewer witnesses, the better.  
He saunters up to her, trying to seem every bit as confident as he is on the ice.  
  
“Let me help you with that,” he offers, flashing one of his famous grins at her.   
“It’s fine, really…”  
“I couldn’t let a… handsome woman handle this on her own. What if you spilled on that? That would be a crime! Uh, against.. you know, the way it, eh…”  
  
“Is this guy bothering you sis?” A voice comes from behind Victor, and he turns to see one of the men who stood with her earlier, looking ready to punch him.  
“It’s okay Mickey! He was just offering to help me with the drinks.”  
“As she said, I was just aiming to help, although now I can see she’s got it. She, uhm, looks… strong. In that dress. It, ah, flatters her… muscles.”  
  
The woman looks at Victor weirdly, her brother - Mickey - looks even more ready to punch him, and the other man looks ready to burst out laughing.  
  
“Surely you agree?” Victor asks the laughing man, who suddenly sobers up as the brother’s gaze shifts to him instead. “That Gucci really compliments her, ehm, figure. Yes. It’s tight in all the right places. Makes it hard being straight, right?”  
  
Trying to sound serious is even more difficult than Victor had imagined, especially faced with the current crowd. The brother is seething, rolling up his sleeves, the other man can no longer control his laughing, and the poor woman seems ready to laugh herself at any moment.   
  
“Did Christophe put you up to this?” She asks, laughter colouring her voice, rolling her eyes at her brother’s antics. “Mickey, stop trying to fight everyone. Victor wouldn’t do anything to me, even if I wanted him to. Victor, I know Chris, have for years. And I know you’re gay, so you don’t have to pretend anymore. I’m sorry about my brother; he’s so protective he doesn’t even realise you can barely try to come up with compliments and not try to have it come out as though you’ve never complimented anyone in your life.”  
  
She waves Chris over to them, and it only takes him a second to join them, a look of curiosity on his face.  
  
“Chris, you have to let poor Victor off the hook; he can’t fake it to save his life, and Mickey was getting ready to punch him, because he doesn’t realise what’s really going on.”  
  
Looking over at Mickey, Chris seems to realise his friend’s words are true, based on the weird look on Mickey’s face, which is part anger, part confusion.  
  
“Fine, fine. You lost, Vitya, but I’ll let you off this time. It was entertaining to watch your poor attempts, but we should save poor Sara the pain of watching her brother make a fool of himself for punching you, and getting expelled for it.”  
  
Victor feels like he can finally breathe again, knowing he’ll receive no retribution from Chris (this time).  
  
“Good, because this whole ordeal was punishment enough in itself!” They all laugh, even Mickey. “You do look lovely though. Sara, was it?”  
  
The cracking of knuckles has Sara throw herself on her brother, the rest of them laughing as Victor and Chris makes a hasty retreat to the other side of the room  
The rest of the evening is easily more relaxed and easier to enjoy, now that the bet is off, and Victor vows to never agree to another one of Chris’ bets again.  
  
***  
  
It only lasts until the next time they’re drinking after a competition.

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone’s got suggestions when it comes to bets - set either before or after this, leave a comment or contact me on tumblr


End file.
